Waves

​Tomorrow will be 11 months without My Boy.  Time is not the same anymore. It has felt like a minute, but has also felt like forever. 

A lot has occurred in my life since that day. Many happy moments with friends, family, and new pets.  I've accomplished big tasks as well.  Buying a home, selling a home, adding 2 new tools to my healing business. (More details in further blogs!) I go out with my boyfriend and share laughter and great music with friends.  To everyone around me, I look like I'm "healed".  Boy, I sure wish I was.

People say grief comes in waves. Some days are calm little waves, and others it's like getting hit by a tidal wave.  Every morning I wake with the realization that My Boy is no longer here, and I'm still trying to get used to that.  But, there will be multiple days in a row where I'm positive and have tons of energy, creativity and focus.  I'm so grateful for those days.  Initially I thought they were gone forever.  Then there are they days where it feels like it just happened.  I'm heartbroken and crushed.  I become like a ghost, myself.  

As an introvert, I don't "people" well.  That may surprise some of you reading this  because I can be quite social!  It's my behavior in a social situation that changes depending on how big a wave I'm battling.  There are days where I actually have to stay in my home and be in the pain of grief.  When I'm ready to venture out, I'll be very selective about where I go, and who I spend time with.  My friends that see me out listening to live music sometimes wonder why I'm not out on the dance floor.  (I LOVE dancing!) Those are the times where I feel like I'm not even in my body.  That's the ghost I was referring to.  The one that just observes the room like I'm not physically there.  

I guess what I'm getting at is that, yes, it's been 11 months.  People know my story, but their lives have gone on just like they're supposed to.  I'm still living it.  Every Day.  You may see me out smiling and laughing, or I may completely ignore and invitation from you.  I have to take one day at time.  Hopefully the waves will become a little smaller and easier to deal with over time.  As the one year mark approaches, I am grateful for the continued support and understanding of those closest to me.  They make each day bearable.

If you have experienced loss, please reach out and talk about it!!!  Our society wants to sweep it under a rug like it's taboo or something.  The pain is tangible, and needs to be recognized or it will never lessen.  I had the pleasure of meeting a woman who also lost her son.  It was so nice to have all of these feelings and experiences validated!  If you need to connect, please comment or send a message... Love and Light 

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