We all go through different stages in our lives. At times we are focused on our education, careers, and other times we focus on family, traveling, retirement, etc. I'm finding that right now, I'm in a place that is both enlightening and challenging at the same time.
Looking back, I went through pretty "normal" (I use that term loosely lol) stages in my life. I enjoyed my childhood which included school, gymnastics, dance, and my friends and family. In college, I bucked the system a bit by taking a break after 2 years. I worked 2 jobs to stay busy, earn a living, and have my own apartment. I did return to school after 18 months to earn my Bachelors Degree in Psychology, and continued to coach gymnastics (a passion of mine) for many years.
The next stage was marriage and children. I was 23 when I got married. Still a child, really, but we were in love and ready to tackle life together. At 26, I had My Boy. (My goal was to have my kids before 30 so we could enjoy them while we were still young and full of energy, lol) We decided that I would be a Stay at Home Mom. It was so important to me to have my children be with family while they grew up, and luckily we had the means to make that work. I spent every day enjoying watching My Boy giggle at new discoveries, crawl, walk and talk. When he turned 2, we moved to a bigger home, and set our sites on our next baby.
My girl was born when I was 29. Oh, what a gift that was! I'm that person who does not want to know the gender of my baby before birth. I like the surprise! There are MANY boys in both of our families, so I figured I was having another boy. The entire room yelled, "It's a GIRL!!" I couldn't believe my ears. Thank you, thank you, thank you God for this gift.
For the next 13 years, I was a Stay at Home Mom. Yes, I dabbled in businesses here and there. I sold custom purses and bags, I taught Tai Kwon Do, I worked as a PERA Educator in the kids' school, I was a Brand Partner for Nerium, and a choreographer for gymnastics. But my priority has been, and always will be my children.
The last few years of my marriage, my personal and spiritual growth became my second priority. This led me to discover my healing gifts. I've always known that I was meant to heal, my hands would buzz with this crazy feeling I could never explain. I was in the middle of a Biofeedback Session, when the practitioner looked at me and asked if I knew about Reiki. That explains the tingling and temperature changes in my hands! Since that day, I have become a Reiki Master and AccessBars Practitioner. (You can read about those on the Energy Healing Tab of this site) I also studied from home to become a Certified Health Coach. And, voila, the birth of The Wellness Garden!
I was so happy and at peace with the growth and knowledge I was acquiring, but I didn't realize how much I was changing in my husband's eyes. I was shifting too quickly, and he became unfamiliar with me, and uncomfortable with who I was becoming. I was becoming strong, independent, and clear of my path. Our life, what was once important to both of us, was no longer something I wanted or envisioned. He became irritated with me, and, as you read in a prior blog, turned to another woman with whom he chose to share his life.
So there I was at the next stage. Teenage kids, my own business, and on my own. I found a wonderful man to share life's moments with. Until the loss of My Boy. My world came to a screeching halt. How can I be a good mom to my daughter when I don't even want to wake up in the morning? How can I be a healer when I'm completely broken? Who am I? The Universe answered the second question for me when both of my office locations shut down within a week of each other. "Time to grieve, time to heal, time to nourish yourself."
I don't feel like I'm actually in a life stage right now. I'm in limbo, and this is a very challenging place for me to be. I'm a person who likes organization and direction. But, I keep listening to my Guides and Angels. This is where I'm supposed to be. I have the time and means to be here while my daughter struggles with her grief. And I take many hours a day for spiritual study, meditation, and coaching. I am nurturing my true self.
This morning, I went on a meditation journey with the intent and question of "What is the next stage in my career?" I was shown a beautiful landscape of light purple sparkling crystals growing tall. I walked through them with a beautiful Winter Goddess who then led me to an open expanse. It was a clear winter night sky, white crystal stars in the sky, and a body of water at our feet reflecting the light. "Be open to the beautiful opportunities coming your way." Not a clear answer, but it was so CLEAR that everything is going to be ok. And when the opportunity(ies) are presented I will KNOW the right ones. Love and Light
In psychology, a trigger is something that sets off a memory or flashback transporting a person back to the event of his/her original trauma. These can be sounds, smells, music, food, holidays, and important dates. When triggered, a person can feel anxiety, depression, and can possibly turn to past addictions. The past few days have been full of triggers in my world.
Because so much has happened in such a short time in my life, I experience triggers from various situations. The first is my divorce. 3 years ago, I realized that my husband was becoming quite close with a co-worker of his in California. His 3 days in Cali per week, soon turned into 5. He was distracted when he was home, and constantly texting. He changed his clothes, cologne, and started getting different types magazines in the mail (GQ instead of Woodworking, for example). I stood back and watched this relationship blossom for about 5 months. He became impatient with me and my interests (this was when Reiki completely changed my world, more on that later). Finally, I asked him point blank.
Three years later, we are both happier with our lives. He is still with her, and I have chosen forgiveness. I forged a new life and couldn't be happier with the changes. So what triggers me? The same manipulation that he seems to think I can't see through. Yes, I have an ego reaction to his behavior at times. I can see the lesson in each conversation and confrontation with him. And we've had quite a few the last few days regarding the care and education of our daughter. My mantra, "don't personalize!" It works most of the time LOL!
Dates are also a big trigger for me right now. It has been 8 months since I lost my boy. I try not to put too much emphasis on the date, but it sits there in the back of my mind. I get flashbacks of the night when we found out. I got a phone call from his dad in Cali, frantic, saying go to the hospital, our boy was in a car accident. So my girl and I jumped in the car, praying that everyone involved was ok. We had no details at that point. We rushed into the ER, asked about our boy, but the hospital had no record of him. A bunch of his friends were in the waiting room. One brave young lady finally stood up, and walked toward me in what felt like slow motion. I knew by the look on her face, and of the faces behind her. My boy never made it to the hospital.
My hand went to the back of my head, as if to steady myself with the information I just received. My girl didn't quite understand what was happening. I turned to her, held her, and told her that her brother didn't survive. She screamed, and collapsed in my arms. We couldn't stay in that waiting room. I took her outside and we just sat on the sidewalk in each other's arms. That scenario has played through my head for months. Now it only happens every now and then, but always on the anniversary.
So, how am I doing with not drinking? I used to drink to numb all the pain. This month, I didn't even think about it. Other than that, the biggest trigger is happy hour. Doesn't matter what I'm doing, but between 4-6pm I REALLY want a drink. I guess I'm in the middle of rewiring my brain, and breaking the habit lol. If we're out and I see two ladies talking over a glass of wine, I want one, too. My boyfriend gently reminds me that even after one, I won't feel good. And he's right, as usual :) That usually snaps me out of it. I haven't had one sip in 19 days. I sleep better at night, and I've noticed a nice change in my skin. No more bags under my eyes, and less redness.
I've found that triggers are numerous in my current world, but the trick to handling them is to almost step outside of yourself for a moment. Don't let the full emotion of the original trauma take over. Take some deep breaths, notice what you are feeling, honor that, and then let it go. Hand it over to whatever feels right to you, God, Source, Holy Spirit, Jesus, Buddha, Universe, whatever! Love and Light
I've always been the type of person to appreciate the little things in life. A blooming flower in my spring garden, the sound of chickadee's outside my window, the smell of soup on the stove, and a quick hug from a friend. But being incapacitated in any way can REALLY make you appreciate everything.
Through the grief process, I've learned how difficult each minute can be. One moment I'm feeling normal, the next, a quick memory hits me and I'm in tears. Some days I have tons of energy, others I stay in bed. I've gotten used to this the last 8 months, and take each day as it comes. Now, after having surgery, I'm facing another level of daily challenges. I'm a "do-er", and I don't play the victim card. I've never been one to identify with victim mentality. But, taking the time to heal is a must.
So, what do I have a new appreciation for? Posture- today I'm standing up straight for the first time in a week. Walking- wow, have I been slow this last week, and I get worn out walking down the hall! And, boy do I miss dancing. Sleep- I realize how much sleep it takes to heal. Eating- Practicing what I preach. Taking my time and chewing my food. It's easier on the digestion and absorption of nutrients. Fresh air- Recycled hospital air is icky lol.
I have so much gratitude for the love and support this last week. My boyfriend, my love has been by my side through this whole thing. Running errands, picking up food, making sure I'm comfortable, just sitting with me, and wiping my tears. I will forever be grateful for his amazing soul. And my Mom. Cooking, laundry, and most importantly sitting with me and talking for hours. My Mom is my best friend. She has been through a lot in her life as well. We can share stories, tears and laughter, and I don't know what I would do without her.
Today, I took a small field trip to see the progress on my new house. I was filled with so much joy seeing it come together. It's the little things, the details that are personal to us that make it a home. There are so many little things that we can appreciate on a daily basis. I plan to keep recognizing these as the days and months go on. Love and Light
As you've probably noticed I haven't blogged in quite a few days. Honestly, there wasn't too much to share for the first couple of days. In a nutshell, I started showings on my house that I'm selling (18 in 3 days!), and I spent some fun days with friends and my boyfriend over the weekend. No drinking, yay me!
Then on Sunday night, Day 8, things took a turn. Around bedtime (10pm!!) I noticed that my abdomen was becoming quite uncomfortable. I had a "cheat" dinner that included pasta and bread, which I rarely eat, so I figured the discomfort would pass quickly. By 1am I was at level 10 pain, and stayed that way for the next 12 hours.
My boyfriend (poor guy, it was his birthday) finally decided it was time to go to the hospital, this was not normal. After trying a cocktail of meds, the pain came right back. The doc then ordered an Xray. Results of the Xray were concerning, so we took a closer look with a CT Scan. Drum roll please... my small intestine was obstructed by some scar tissue, yikes! So, off to surgery I went.
I think that was the quickest surgery in history. I was in and out of there in a matter of 15 minutes! Doc said it was a simple procedure, but had we not caught it when we did, things could've gotten scary. Whew!
So now it is Day 11. Needless to say, I'm moving a little slowly, but am thankful that I get to go home today. My home, my bed, sunshine and my kitty cat. I also get spoiled by my mom, she's bringing me homemade soup. My house is also under contract. It all happened while I've been in the hospital, lol.
The last couple days have sure been a bump in the road, no one plans on these things, right? But it brings many things into perspective. I'm grateful for my overall health that is contributing to a quick recovery. I'm also grateful to my many friends and family that have reached out to send love and healing. As a healer, I never take health (physical, mental, spiritual) for granted. So, onward :) Love and Light
PS- My boyfriend will still get his birthday, just a little late lol. He earned it after taking such good care of me the last few days. Love him SO much!
Vulnerability... Not a state in which many of us like to find ourselves. When a person goes through painful experiences, they have no choice but to become vulnerable at some point. I found myself here yesterday, Day 5.
After being so incredibly busy with getting the house ready to sell, I have put off getting my hair done. Yes, for us ladies, this is a big deal. It was another sign of neglecting myself. So, following my promise of self-care, I set the appointment.
As soon as I sat in the chair I wanted to cry. There I was staring at myself in the mirror. Tired eyes, worn out posture, and thin hair. See, there's something nobody tells you when you go through great amounts of stress-- Your hair falls out. Literally, I've lost half of my hair. My hair is so much of ME, my personality, my comfort. I had long, thick, curly hair. I loved it! Now, it's thin, wispy, frizzy and short. The hardest appointment for me to face since I lost my boy is the hair dresser.
Thank goodness I love my stylist, Jillyn (J Salon, in Parker) I've known her for years. She's met both of my kiddos, we've shared amazing stories and tears, and she has been so supportive. And no matter how vulnerable I feel when I come in, I always leave feeling beautiful. She's a genius with hair!
Strength... Last night I went to our local hangout with my boyfriend and all of our friends. This was my first time actually being in the bar, in front of my friends since I started this journey. Let me just say that I have an amazing group of friends. Everyone was so supportive. I was not like the elephant in the room. Instead, we talked openly about my journey, and how I was not drinking. Whew, big step!
I have to say, I was nervous about entering that situation. I normally don't get on a dance floor until I've had a drink or a shot. But instead, I felt energized by my friends and being sober! I had more fun than I've had in a long time.
So today, Day 6, I'm riding that strength. It felt great to wake up clear-minded and ready to face my day. I have 10 showings on my house today!!! I'm ready for the gym, and to face the public. I'm not kicking myself for drinking so much the night before, and feeling like s#*t. I'm not obsessing over whether or not I'll drink tonight. I just know I won't, and that's a HUGE relief! Love and Light
Today, I want to showcase my girl. Quite honestly, she is the epitome of Love, true Love.
A Course in Miracles shows us that "Love is one. It has no separate parts and no degrees; no kinds nor levels, no divergencies and no distinctions. It is like itself, unchanged throughout. It never alters with a person or a circumstance. It is the Heart of God, and also of His Son."
My girls sees everyone and everything in our world this way. She has always been like that. When she was just a baby, you could see the love in her eyes as she looked at her brother, as she looked at me and her dad. She giggled with love and delight at all animals. As she grew, she always showed kindness to new people that she met, and would make sure they knew they were loved.
She understands that all people are different (gender identification, sexuality, culture, etc.) and loves them all the same. Tonight we watched the movie Love, Simon. I absolutely loved watching her watch this film. Her entire body reacted to what the characters were feeling. She is everyone's biggest cheerleader!
My girl has had a rough go the last couple years. Losing the family unit and the safety net of married parents. Learning to live in 2 houses. Then losing her brother, her best friend. The grief is so much that she is battling severe depression and anxiety. Her Self Love is struggling, that's the hardest to witness. This beautiful, witty, smart, creative, WISE girl is buried in the loss. Yet, she continues show Love to so many-- Her dad and I, our new loves, and their children. She shows kindness to her teachers and classmates, and fellow adolescents facing similar struggles.
She knows she's different in that way. She asked me the other day why people are the way they are. Why do they react so quickly with anger, sarcasm, self pity. Why can't everyone just love one another? Why do I have to be so different, mama? I admire her wisdom. Not everyone is like us Baby Girl, we have to keep being who we are in order for other humans to grow. It's not always easy, especially when we're feeling beat down. Yet, she continues to LOVE.
My girl even showed me love on the nights that I had one too many drinks. She'd make fun of me, which I totally earned lol. But I don't want her to remember me that way. I love her too much for that. We are so close, and I never want anything to come between us if I can help it. So on this Day 4, I challenged myself. Before the movie, she and I went to Earls, where I usually order my favorite glass of wine with my favorite salad. Temptation hit me. I knew I wouldn't order any wine, but the WANT was there. BIG TIME. I think I had 5 glasses of lemon water instead lol.
I recommend learning what true love is, whether it is through the Course, your religious/spiritual teachings, etc. It is beautiful gift. I love you my Baby Girl for showing me every day what that is. Love and Light
It's a miracle! Over 7 hours of sleep last night, that's unheard of lately, lol. Woke up next to my girl, knowing she's safe and resting. I began the morning with lots of energy ready to face the tasks and appointments ahead of me.
Back when the kids were in elementary school, my routine was predictable and enjoyable. Wake kids, drive to school, workout, errands, work on home-based business, pick up kids, homework, dinner, snuggles and bedtime. I would read for an hour and fall fast asleep for at least 8 hours. That was heaven to me!
A little over 2 years ago that all changed. I sold my home where I raised my children. We lived in a hotel room (me, 2 kids, a cat and bird) until we found the house where I currently live. I still drove the kids to school, then worked at my Wellness business. After picking the kids up, we would have early dinners at restaurants (first 2 glasses of wine), then curl up in bed at the hotel and watch That 70's Show. Meanwhile, I continued to drink wine as the evening went on. It was my coping mechanism. And as the years went on, this became my evening routine.
Today, I made my first appointment, rested and clear headed. On the way home, I became incredibly tired (grief will do that to you). As much as I wanted to crawl back in bed, I was determined to workout, and see if my energy would increase. I'm glad I did! I was alert afterward and received lots of good news! My current home is getting LOTS of attention on Zillow (showings start on Friday), and I also learned that I close on my new house on May 21! I had a successful second appointment in the afternoon--Taxes are done LOL!
I felt a good sense of momentum today. Completing tasks, and going in public have been a huge challenge the last 6 months, and today I faced them like a champ. It's Day 3 with no alcohol and I feel great. Normally I would've "celebrated" my day with, you guessed it- wine. Instead I have my favorite health drink from Nerium, Youth Factor. Cheers! Love and Light
5am... "I really should go back to sleep, but I can't stop my thoughts." This happens to me a lot. I used to LOVE sleep. Now I just don't get much of it.
Early morning is when I think about my boy. For those that don't know, he passed away in an auto accident in August of 2017. There were 5 kids in the car, he was the only one who died... thank goodness. I came to the realization that this accident was finally his way to cross over and truly complete his purpose as spirit. He made sure the other kids, though their lives are changed forever, would be ok. My boy struggled in this life. Lots of ups and downs, but we never gave up. I got a tattoo of a Pheonix for him when he was 15, and now, next to it is a shooting star for his spirit. You can read a little about his journey here.
He comes and visits every now and then, shares his humor by toying with our cat, and sometimes just lays his head on my shoulder. I am grateful that I am able to still connect with him.
His sister misses him terribly. I lay awake hoping she can finally face a school day without breaking down. 7:30am... No luck. She is sad, anxious, and overwhelmed at the idea of walking into school. Of course she is! They were best friends. We share stories about him that make us laugh to calm the tears. Finally she sleeps again.
As sad as we get sometimes, we remember with a lot of happy tears and laughter. We talk about him all the time. We will never "get better", but we will learn to live with it. My girl and I are excited about a new house that we are building (more on that in another post!), and have found a special place just for our boy. He will always be remembered as silly, genius, musical, crafty, and SO loving.
And, it's Day 2 with no alcohol. I actually went out to a restaurant (big trigger for me to order a glass of wine!) and just had lemon water. It wasn't a challenge at all, but again... it's only Day 2 :) Love and Light
Day 1. Have you ever received a message so clearly that you MUST follow through? Well, I was given one yesterday, so here I am. I am a spiritual person, a lightworker, an intuitive, a healer. Now and then I receive messages from my guides and angels, and this one was a biggie.
See, the last few years have thrown me such a curveball, that I have completely rearranged my life because I had to. Everything has changed. Where I live, my relationships, my level of spirituality, and how I see the world. I have had to be strong when I just want to crawl into a dark hole. I have shown a brave face to the outside world, when inside I'm breaking. I am in the middle of a Dark Night of the Soul. Yet, I have a purpose. And now it's time to share my story. Hopefully it can touch those who can relate, and maybe help heal a little, too.
So why 30 DAYS? It's time to put myself first again. To live healthy and feel good! I've stopped exercising. I don't have healthy sleep patterns anymore. And, I have had a crutch through these past few years. Alcohol. Social drinks on the weekends with friends has turned into consuming at least 2 drinks almost every day. So the message that came to me was "Starting on the Holy day of Easter, you will honor yourself, love yourself, and take care of yourself. You will be renewed." It was followed with instructions to not take a sip of alcohol for 30 Days, and to blog each day. The blog will include my journey of self care while incorporating my experiences the last few years.
So on this first day, I spent Easter with my beautiful daughter, my mom and my brother. We shared the warm Colorado sunshine and ate a wonderful meal together. I'm off to bed with a prayer that tomorrow brings me the strength and clarity for this journey. Love and Light