In the 2 years since I've lost My Boy, I have felt every emotion under the sun. Shock, disbelief, sadness, depression, anxiety, fear, anger, and most recently, guilt. All of the other feelings I expected, and rolled with them. But guilt has been a tricky one.
For some, the guilt can arise from being angry at the loved one for leaving. How dare they leave us here to live this life without them! For others, it's the guilt that something different could've been done to save your loved one. Medical procedures, therapy, different doctors, etc. For me, it has recently been the guilt of finally having some Joy in my life again. I know My Boy wants me to be happy, I can sense him cheering me on on the sidelines. But the feeling of Joy is extremely foreign, and seems unfitting compared to all the others.
Little by little, especially after the 2 year mark, I've noticed that I wake up feeling motivated to move and to create. It's as if a whole new light is shining in my life that brings hope. So, I create. My main focus is my business and helping others. Then guilt says, "You can't be successful while grieving." I take walks in the sun, and soak in all the beauty around me, which I hadn't really noticed since his loss. Then a pang of guilt hits. My mind says, "You shouldn't feel happy."
To help with this, I have begun to add meditations that come from the heart space and get me out of my head. Each time my mind tries to instill guilt, I take a deep breath, and from my heart space I remind myself, "I am allowed to feel Joy, and so it is." It is an ongoing exercise that I hope will become more automatic, and eventually the Gift of Living in Joy will prevail.
I have also begun to use Biofeedback to work through the layers of guilt. First touching the physical stressors, and working on relaxation training. Then I dig deeper into the emotional connection in my body and spirit. Each session I am able to release the deep emotions from the loss, and start to create the emotions I want to feel again. I instill Love, Joy, and Bliss during every session, and it has made a huge difference in my day to day functioning.
I want to bring this healing to everyone who has been through trauma or loss. Because eventually we DO come out the dark depths of grief, and we deserve to live in Love, Joy and Light.